Captain Obvious

I love hearing generic comments about obvious facts. Classic example:

“Oh! You colored your hair.”

In my case, it was sulfur-yellow. And then the hue of a carrot. And finally, an ashy blonde that at least enabled me to go out in public without a bandanna. It’s what I got for attempting to bleach my own tresses.

As a woman, I naturally analyze everything people say as well as what they don’t say. So what exactly was I supposed to take away from that? Was it a compliment? Did this person want kudos for noticing? Were they afraid my locks were bleached in the night by evil stylist fairies without my consent and subsequently felt the need to make me aware of this hate crime?

No, seeing as those were the only words they uttered about my altered mane, I believe the person was actually thinking, “Her hair is the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. God help her.” Maybe they were simply afraid their silence would hurt my feelings.

The reason I’m confident about my insight is because I too, am guilty of making Captain Obvious statements. They typically occur during moments in which I’m unable to find anything good to say.

“Oh, it’s a…baby!” For this one, I blame Elaine from Seinfeld. Not all babies are born cute.

“That heel isn’t too high.” I can’t believe you raided your Grandmom’s closet before work this morning.

“His coat is really shiny.” Where in the world did you find your mutant dog?

“You can sing harmony.” Please don’t audition for American Idol.

“So you painted your walls dusty rose and cornflower blue.” I think the 80’s just threw up in here.

Those are a few of my all time best/worst. Do you have any favorite Captain Obvious lines?

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Posted in Random on March 30, 2012.