Blog | Beth Pensinger | Generally awkward girl who wrote 'Let Me Fall: The Love Story Between God and His Dimwitted Daughter.'

What to Expect When You’re Unaware You’re Expecting

Remember the blog I wrote a while back that talked about speaking to those not expecting?

Well, let’s compare blog pictures:

You guessed it! There’s an alien turtle in my uterus. At least that’s what Jerimiah calls it. He already thinks it looks like him because of the size of its huge head. (His words, not mine.)

So … when you’re unaware you’re expecting:

* You may ingest deli meat in the form of multiple Jersey Mike’s subs (A big no-no for pregnant women. Apparently cold-cuts are bad.)

* You may drink copious amounts of diet Mountain Dew (a big no-no for anyone).

* At your yearly exam when you are too newly pregnant for anyone to have a clue, you may make statements to your gynecologist that sound something like this: “Sooooo, I might have to get a job soon, but at least I’ll have insurance for the first time in over a decade. Maybe this time next year we can talk about baby stuff and start tests or something.”

* On a lazy Saturday morning hunch, you might purchase pregnancy tests and pee on them. Then you may say something like, “Oh sh@*!” when they are both positive. (The expletive would be two parts: One part excitement, the other part panic over having to walk into the living room and hand the positive pregnancy test to the unsuspecting soon-to-be-father in the recliner who’s playing Call of Duty.)

* You may inwardly roll your eyes every time your husband asks about the odds of a false positive pregnancy test.

* You might freak out over every random pain and think, “I’ve killed my turtle-baby.”

* You may just cry when you hear your little alien’s heart beat for the first time. And you might cry harder when you watch it dance in an ultrasound.