What to Expect When You’re Not Desperate to Expect
Over the weekend, I realized I was quasi-content.
And it scared the mess out of me.
With my recent book launch, my mind and body have been racing in a hundred different directions. While it’s been stressful, hard work, I’m starting to see things happen. I’ve had small speaking opportunities, and more are lining up. I may get the chance to travel overseas with one of my best friends in October. To a girl who’s never owned a passport, it would be a dream come true.
As I excitedly pondered all these things, the thought struck me. I’m glad I’m not pregnant and don’t have small children right now. Visions of speaking, travel, and Jerimiah traveling with me, flooded my brain. It was a happy reverie. Suddenly, I realized it had no children in it.
Something I said almost a year ago slid to the forefront of my mind. “Children might not be in the plan God has for my husband and me. If that’s the case, God will help our hearts bear it.” Dread crept up my throat like acid reflux.
“Dang it! God, I was just kidding! I’m not content.”
He raised His eyebrows. “Oh really. You could’ve fooled me.”
“Well, hypothetically speaking, if I were content, would it mean You’re not going to give me and Jerimiah kids?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
I huffed. “So You’re not going to tell me what Your plans are.”
“Don’t confuse your current state with My plans.” His tone was gentle.
“But I said—”
He cut me off. “I know what you said. I’m happy you said it. Please, don’t let useless worry steal your joy.”
I puzzled. “How else will You know how badly I want children some day if not through my obsessive worry?”
He smiled. “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”*
*Psalm 37:4, NIV